Have you noticed this in family circles?
If you don’t, lend me your ears.
In the beginning of family life, I mean the husband, wife, and their children, men are the first to be in control because of the nature of their responsibilities. He caters for the wife and children. He is the major provider in the family. The children are young, and their immediate needs are in the hands of their father. Both the mother and the children are at the mercy of their breadwinner, who is the head of the family.
Men will come back home and charge at the kids if he discovers that they are not doing well academically or they failed to do their chores at home. That is the most interesting period in the lifetime of the father. He is in control. But unfortunately for him, the normal threatening words, “Wait for your father, I will report you to him,” create fear and build resentment in the minds of children. It creates a gap between the children and their father, which men will later regret.
Men are not wired to stay at home; most are thousands of miles away looking for how to provide for their families. The children may not fully understand that the luxurious lifestyle they are living is a result of the pain their father has been passing through. They may not realise that the best education, beautiful houses, and expensive cars they enjoyed when they were young were provided by the sweat of someone. For them to realise this at a tender age depends on their mothers at home.
I was surprised when a child was reporting his father to his friend in school and said he had never been at home and was never in our lives. I quickly interjected and demanded that he should explain more on what he just said. He said his mother is always at home with them and was the one taking care of them. I probed further, and he said his father is a businessman and always travels. I asked if his mother was working as well. He said no. Then I educated him that for him to be able to afford that type of school, someone must be paying his school fees. He said yes, his dad paid. I went further to educate him that daddy is not at home because he wants him and his mother to live a good life. So he should respect and adore him, because one day he will be in his shoes.
The second stage in family life is when the children are finally out of school. That is when power shifts to the mother. She decides how much the children will send to their dad. She manipulates how the children will talk to their father. Resentment from the children will set in. They will think that they are growing up and can talk back to their father. At least, they are mature and can decide what they want for themselves. Some women will think that it is payback time for their husbands. The relationship between the husband and children then depends on the wife.
When a woman is not mature enough to handle this stage in her marital life successfully, the husband will be looking for old school friends and extended family. He will be exposed to so many dangers and societal vices. Many men lose their homes emotionally before they lose them physically. Many men are pushed into loneliness that destroys their discipline and dignity. Many men find comfort outside because they find no respect inside. Many men die silently while smiling loudly.
The third stage is the latter age of the family, when the children are married and become independent. They will focus more on building their own families. The parents will become the children waiting for their phone calls. At that stage, there may be no energy for men to struggle again; they will depend solely on what the children will send to them. Some wives always wait for this time to take a pound of flesh from their husbands. Women don’t normally forget three things: the money they borrowed you, the way they presume you mistreated them during their relationship with you, and when they will get back at you.
So, a man must try when he is young to labour and save for his future. The future is like the black market, which nobody is sure of but must be guided jealously, unless all these men’s struggles may end in vain. Not only women are suffering from domestic abuse; some men are being wickedly maltreated also without anybody to share their agony. In many homes, the man is the silent victim. In many families, the father is the misunderstood hero. In many marriages, power is abused, not managed. In many societies, men are expected to endure, not complain.
Mogaji Wole Arisekola, Publisher of The Street Journal Newspaper, writes from Ibadan.
